For those of you who received my last tweet, you’ll know that my blogging has been delayed due to my delightful duties as an aunt. For anyone that has had children you’ll know how important it is to get as much rest as you can while your baby’s little. So my mom and I have been helping Jeanne out with burping, changing and putting Eliana to bed so that she can add those precious extra minutes to her sleep. And believe me, they add up. Just feeding, burping, changing, feeding a bit more, burping again and putting Eliana to bed has taken 2 hours. And what a wonderful 2 hours it’s been.
But this isn’t The Life of Eliana, this is Between the Lines so let me get back to … well … me.
Let me start off by confessing that I was a mess last week. In the midst of it I thought I was falling to pieces, but now I realise that it was due to heightened PMS (being the first month of my new contraception) and the fact that I had forgotten to take my happy pills for a few days.
Anyway while at the mercy of the emotional roller coaster I was on, my body issues decided to hitch a ride and yell all the way – throwing it’s arms up in the air and screaming at the top of its lungs.
I spent 4 horrible days painfully and constantly aware of my roundness and soft spots. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning knowing that no matter what I wore I’d feel my clothing ‘sit’ on my body. And I snapped at my kids and avoided company, as most of my positive emotions were strong-armed into submission by anger, desperation and self-loathing.
Had you bumped into me over that time you would have been non-the-wiser. And that’s the point hey, it’s getting to that stuff that we hide from others and that can sometimes hide from us.
I was so frustrated. Why am I still here? Why don’t I have more freedom at this point? Why did it take being shown that I haven’t put on weight to break the cycle? I think a big part of the answer lies in this blog.
Over time Between the Lines has become something I do when I have a moment and not a proactive fight to overcome my demons. Instead of growing, I’ve allowed a smallness to come over me and the blog because somewhere deep down I believe I don’t deserve freedom and who’s really interested in what I write anyway? Right?
I’m grateful for a few key conversations recently that have kicked me up my proverbial butt and inspired me to put down my pen and pick up my sword again. Even if Between the Lines changes one other life, giving it all I’ve got is worth it.
In line with my restored vision I’m going to write more frequent and shorter updates so that I stay in touch with you and myself. To make it easier to follow I’ll add dates to my the headings of my updates, so as you can see this is Update: 5 Sept.
I’m also wanting to go work at the rest of Brene’s book, ‘I thought it was just me (but it isn’t)’, and then soak in what I’ve written so that I can begin to really apply it to my life.
Having said all that, Eliana is stirring and I need to quickly try and link her sleeps so that Jeanne can rest longer.
Cheers for now!