So I’ve just employed an hour of my precious time looking for the free-writing I did in art class on Monday. I stopped about ten mins after I found myself looking in places it simply can’t be and got that unpleasant ‘I’m wasting time’ feeling in my stomach.
I can share what I want to without the example though – so happy days
This week we had to start again with free-writing. Randomly choose 8 words that jumped out at us and then make a short phrase from them. After that we all took a magazine and tore out the first picture that caught our attention. This we placed under a large piece of white paper on our desk and then moved to the next person’s place. Here we sat down, read their 8 word phrase and then tore a picture out from a magazine that caught our attention for them. We repeated this process until we got back to our stations and could take out the 8 magazine pictures that were placed under our paper.
Then we chose the first one of those 8 that jumped out at us and tore the image out – isolating just the picture on the page that caught our eyes and leaving it with nice jaggered edges. Then we chose a few more and did the same.
The next step was to piece them together and start creating a collage of sorts that flowed from where we were at.
What fun! We used pastels initially and then moved onto clothing dye, jik, glitter etc.
Here’s my piece:
You won’t be able to see the actual collage behind all the layers, but starting at the left there are 3 tea-cups pouring gold liquid onto the tip of a flow of images that run up to the right along (amongst other things) a strip of beach, into a purple flower that then blooms into a yellow rose.
It was amazing to see how my free-writing and where I was that morning translated itself onto the page.
The point in sharing this with you?
Well, it seems as if I’m very definitely going down a path of learning to free-flow in life. The saying in our art class is this:
“It is what it is and I am what I am” We just flow from the inside out into our art and don’t question the process, judge ourselves or apologize for anything.
For someone like me who fears failure and rejection that’s a huge one to live out. I’m learning to let go of the need for perfection. I’m reacting better when I make mistakes etc.
My mind used to buzz constantly with self-awareness, self-criticism and the processing of life in general to make sure I didn’t end up being rejected along the way. After just a few weeks of my writing and art courses, I’ve turned the volume down considerably.
That’s not to say that I’ve disengaged my brain, it’s just that I’m learning to let go of control and ease off on the unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I still maintain my faith in God, nurture my family, have fun with my friends, fail, succeed, have good days and bad … I’m just learning to do it all with a more open hand.
And yes, this has translated into a happier me. Still full of sh&t but smiling.
I’ve had a few bad-body days since I last wrote, but “It is what it is, and I am what I am” has risen up from somewhere inside and eventually drowned out the monster’s voice. Am I saying that this may be the greatest part of attaining my freedom? Possibly – we’ll have to see where it goes. I’ve still got a long road ahead and I’ve got a feeling that there are many more challenges and revelations around the corner.
And besides, there’s been a twist in my tale…
Now that some of my other issues have lessened their grip, a new monster has shown its hand … ANGER.
I lost it the other evening. The argument had started off as rather trivial (as it usually does) and the emotional amplitude rose gradually (as can sometimes happen). Unfortunately my emotions got heated to such a point that they accessed what I’ve come to realise is a volcano of un-dealt-with anger inside of me.
Suddenly I snapped and lost emotional perspective. Ever heard of ‘screaming like a banshee’? … Well that was me. It’s happened quite a few times over the years and you just need to look at the knuckle marks on the fridge if you want some proof.
In the quiet after the storm, while I lay in my bed feeling such shame at snapping again, I realised that I officially have ‘anger issues’ and need to deal with them. Straight after posting this to my blog I’m going to get hold of my pschologist and make an appointment … watch this space.
I must say, I find it quite fascinating how that psyche deals with things. Now that the fear of failure and rejection have become more manageable, it’s brought into focus the underlying emotions that were never allowed to be expressed when those issues were being forged all those years ago in my litte-girl soul.
What can I say, I’m a work in progress.
Gotta go and make a phone-call …